Top Ten Cheesy Fantasy Movies

You're on the couch. The popcorn is hot and buttered, the glass is filled with something cold and fizzy. You pick up the remote, ready to embark on a cinematic journey of wonder and magic..but wait! What is that smell? That harsh order of Limburger, that sharp Cheddar aftertaste in your mouth? It is a warning, an omen, a harsh reminder, that when it comes to movies in the fantasy genre, not everything is gonna be a absolute mystical masterpiece like Return of the King. Sometimes you're gonna get a late night mutant with crappy production values, worse acting, and a storyline that could have been written by a two month old monkey. On acid. A absolute POS chunk of drek that sends a shudder down the spine and haunts your dreams at night..and yet, as soon as it ends you have to see again, if only because your brain can't believe what it just saw.

Sometimes, you're gonna get CHEESE.

Lists are a big thing right now, there's one for everything. Top ten wines, vacation destination, top ten movies especially...which got me to thinking. What about a list for the top ten fantasy movies of all time? Only...it's been done, go on the 'Net and you'll find someone's beaten you to the punch. (Look here, here, and here for examples of this.)

Then the other day I was watching the Beastmaster and it occurred to me, what about a top ten list of the cheesiest fantasy movies ever made? I'm sure its been done elsewhere, but what the heck. I'll take a stab at it. For when it comes to that rare combination of bad and really-bad, fantasy has a rich and lamentable history, especially when it comes to film.

So here it is, my list of those campy cinematic moments that make you cringe in your seat, wince your eyes in horror, and burn a scar in your memory long after the credits have rolled.

10: The Beastmaster
An instant trash classic if there ever was one. VERY loosely based on an Andre Norton novel of the same name. Featuring Rip Torn as a child-burning high priest with a name like an antacid, Tanya Roberts running around in what looks like a cutoff t-shirt, and of course Marc Singer as Dar, the Man Who Talks to Animals, signified by his wearing a few scraps of leather...and not much else. Oh yeah, and two ferrets named Kodo and Podo. It likely would have faded into obscurity long ago, except that TBS, when it was getting off the ground played it a lot, to the point that people began calling it The Beastmaster Station. It's status as a Cult Classic spawned two 'inferior' sequels.

9: Krull
Aliens with laser guns invade a world where people fight with swords. Naturally the guys with swords win...aided by a mystical weapon called The Glaive, which looks like a frisbee with razorblades. Is it just me, or does that not make any sense? Notable for having both Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane in minor roles early in their careers.

8: Zardoz
Featuring a post-Bond Sean Connery wearing red bondage gear, and a flying stone head (named Zardoz) from which comes the following immortal lines:
The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life to poison the Earth with a plague of men, as once it was, but the gun shoots death, and purifies the Earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth . . . and kill!

7: Conan the Destroyer
The first Conan movie was a fantasy masterpiece that captured the spirit of Robert E. Howard's stories. The sequel did not. You have to wonder though...when it came out in 1984, how many people watching it would have pegged the Big Guy With the Sword as the future Governator of California? Interesting side note: a third movie, entitled Conan the Conqueror was planned, but by that point Arnold Schwartzeneggar had moved beyond playing sword-swinging barbarians.

6: Red Sonja
Seeking to mine Howard's legacy for a third time, Dino De Laurentiis inflicted this B-movie classic on the unsuspecting eyeballs of theater audiences everywhere...at least the ones that bothered to show up; it flopped at the box office. It featured the movie debut of Brigitte Nielsen, who until then was an unknown Danish model.

5: Masters of the Universe
A cheesy movie, based on a cheesier Saturday morning cartoon, based on a really cheesy toy franchise. Starring Dolph Lundgren (which by itself qualifies for this list) and Frank Langella as Skeletor. According to the Wikipedia entry, another live-action version is the works. Be afraid.....

4: Highlander II: The Quickening
For those who grew up watching the Highlander TV show based on the movie franchise, seeing the original version of this sequel was downright mystifying, with the Immortals being aliens from the planet Zeist.... When the TV series began in the 1990's it was recut with all references to the aliens removed..and then more or less ignored.

3: Kull the Conqueror
Hollywood has not been kind to Robert E. Howard...a wonderful pastiche of bad fantasy cliches and worse dialogue. And it has Kevin Sorbo.

2: Clash of the Titans
I remember seeing this when I was little...and as far as I'm concerned Ray Harryhausens stop-motion effects are still better than anything done by CGI. Featuring a who's-who list of British thespian royalty (Laurence Olivier, Maggie Smith, Sian Phillips) along with a very young Harry Hamlin. Greek mythology with a generous helping of cheddar. Also, a remake is in the works, scheduled for 2010.

1: Flash Gordon
Yeah, I know, It's not technically a fantasy film, but come on! This is high camp at it's finest, in fact the writers deliberately made it that way! It was produced by Dino De Laurentiis, and has soundtrack by Queen! The special effects, the costumes, the acting...especially the acting...when it comes to the pure essence of cheese, this movie set a new standard. Any true fan of the fantasy film will have this treasure in his collection. FLASH! AHHHHHHHH! As the saying goes, they don't make 'em like they used too...

So there it is, the top ten list of Cheesy Fantasy Movies...or at least my opinion on the matter. Wiser heads than mine might disagree...and if you do please post a comment! Now sit back, relax, and taste the fromage.