Fantasy Olympics

The Olympics are here. Great, two weeks of non-stop coverage of sports that at any other time would be regarding as unspeakably obscure. Speed skating....bobsledding...curling? What's next, icefishing? Gold medal for the guy who catches the biggest winter tout, bonus points if he does it drunk?

Then again, I never really got sports in general, so all this goodwill and brotherhoodiness makes the unrepentant cynic in me snarl with rage. Still, after a moments though, perhaps there would be a way to create a fantasy version of the Olympic games, one that doesn't suck, guaranteed to draw high ratings. For instance:

Instead of ice dancing (which seems like figure skating, only more inane) we have Yeti wrestling. Of course, there's no evidence that Yeti's actually exist, but if they did, then we should put one in a cage and have the best fighters in the world step in for one-on-one combat. Winner to be determined by numbers of grabs, pins...oh yeah, and actually coming out alive.

Gnome soccer - same as the regular game, only instead of a FIFA approved ball, we have twelve-inch high mythical nature spirit being booted across the field. That fact that it can run on it's own should play hob with the off-sides rule...

And my personal favorite - orc headbutting. The name says it all, the athlete gets into a headbashing contest with an an orc. The one who lasts the longest before falling passing out get the gold and a years supply of aspirin.